Losing a Spouse to Suicide: Judy Smith on Grief and Love

Judy Smith was 19 when she met Jeremiah, and marriage was nowhere in her plans. She was ambitious, wanted to leave Indiana, and never pictured herself having children. Then Jeremiah entered her life and quietly changed what she imagined for herself. They spent 17 and a half years together before he died by suicide.

Now, two and a half years later, Judy is learning what life can hold alongside that loss. She still loves Jeremiah deeply and speaks about him with warmth, humor, and tenderness. At the same time, she wants to experience the life still ahead of her. That has meant learning how to grieve, remember, and eventually date again.

Our conversation with Judy moved through all of those layers. She shared the years before Jeremiah’s death and the pain that shaped their final chapter together. She also talked about turning 39, the age Jeremiah never reached. Somehow, the conversation still found room for flirting at the gym and ordering every dessert on the menu.

Judy is a business strategist, relationship builder, and entrepreneur. She is also the CEO of Bringing Simplicity, a marketing agency for online business-to-business coaches.

Before Grief, a Love Story

Judy met Jeremiah in college through a chain of events that feels very early-2000s. A friend showed her his MySpace profile before inviting her to a gathering at Ball State University. Judy attended Indiana University, about two hours away, but she decided Jeremiah looked worth the drive. Once she arrived, though, the two barely spoke.

Later that night, Judy announced that she was hungry and wanted to find food. Jeremiah was the only person who offered to go with her. Their first plan fell through, so they ended up at Steak ‘n Shake instead. Neither of them realized they were having their first date.

By the end of that weekend, something had shifted between them. Judy remembers that they were rarely apart after that. She assumed the relationship might simply last through the summer. Jeremiah seemed to understand much earlier that they had found something bigger.

At the time, Judy had strong ideas about the future she wanted. She planned to leave Indiana and build an ambitious life for herself. She did not want children, and marriage had never held much appeal. Jeremiah never tried to talk her out of those dreams.

Instead, their relationship changed what Judy thought she wanted. The woman who had no plans to marry eventually wanted a marriage with him. They spent almost two decades growing up beside each other. When Judy tells their story now, that long history matters as much as how it ended.

The Jeremiah Judy Wants People to Remember

When we asked Judy what she wanted people to know about Jeremiah, she started with his capacity for love. There was never any uncertainty about how much he loved her. Judy said everyone around them knew it too. He made his feelings visible in the way he treated her every day.

That generosity reached beyond their marriage. Jeremiah noticed people and often responded with small acts of kindness. He might buy a shake for someone at the gym who treated him well. If their mechanics did great work, he wanted to bring them pizza.

Judy remembers one belief that captured how Jeremiah moved through the world. He did not simply believe in treating others how he wanted treatment. He believed in treating people how they wanted to be treated. That difference reflected the way he paid attention to people.

Those are the memories Judy wants beside the story of his death. Losing a spouse to suicide can make the final moment feel enormous. Judy’s memories keep bringing the rest of Jeremiah back into view. He was her husband, her first love, and someone who spent years making people feel seen.

Loving Someone While Knowing Loss was Possible

Suicide had been part of Judy and Jeremiah’s relationship before his death. Jeremiah had survived previous attempts, including one before they married. Judy knew that history when she chose to build a life with him. She understood that loving him also meant living with uncertainty.

That knowledge did not make her walk away. Judy had seen how much love Jeremiah carried and how much he gave to other people. She chose the relationship knowing there were no guarantees. Looking back, she still speaks about that choice as one she wanted to make.

Their life became harder again when Jeremiah developed CRPS, which Judy said she had heard was referred to as “the suicide disease” due to the severity of the pain involved. Judy described his pain as severe and increasingly difficult to manage. During the final stretch of his life, she remembers repeated visits to the hospital. Much of their energy went toward trying to find relief.

They explored different treatments and eventually found a clinic in Arkansas. Judy and Jeremiah had already paid a deposit for care there. After his death, Judy had to contact the clinic and explain what had happened. Even practical tasks became reminders that the future they had planned was gone.

The Night Everything Changed

On Jeremiah’s final night, Judy had a strong feeling that something was off. She asked family members to follow him after he left. Her father-in-law tried, but eventually lost track of him. Then Jeremiah called Judy and told her he was not coming home.

Judy stayed connected to him on the phone for as long as she could. After almost two decades together, she felt she understood what was happening. She described their souls as tied after so many years together. They had met when she was 19 and grown through adulthood side by side.

The following morning, Judy traveled with family to the area where authorities had found him. There was no normal way to absorb what had happened. The life she had known with Jeremiah had ended overnight. The life after him had already begun, even though Judy had no idea how to live it.

When Grief Changed Judy’s Sense of Herself

One of the hardest parts of grief touched something central to Judy’s identity. She has always been someone who sees possibility in other people. Her work often involves recognizing what someone else may not see yet. Jeremiah loved that quality in her too.

After his death, that gift became tangled with a painful question. Judy wondered why she could see greatness in others but could not make Jeremiah see it in himself. She knows she did not cause his death. She also said clearly that she does not blame herself.

Still, grief does not always follow what someone knows logically. Judy could understand one truth and still feel another question pressing against it. She described the change in deeply personal terms when she said, “Grief is in my DNA.” For her, grief became part of how she understood herself.

Judy still felt like the same person after Jeremiah died. At the same time, she felt completely different. That contradiction has stayed with her as the years have passed. Grief did not replace her identity, but it changed the way she experienced it.

The People Who Showed Up

Judy looked for specialized support almost immediately after Jeremiah died. The next day, she joined a virtual group for younger widows experiencing stigmatized loss. The women had lost partners through suicide and other difficult circumstances. That shared context gave Judy somewhere to speak without explaining every part of her grief.

Outside the group, knowing what she needed was much harder. Judy is usually decisive and comfortable taking charge. In early grief, that version of herself felt unavailable. Her needs could change from one hour to the next.

The people she remembers most are often those who acted without needing perfect instructions. Her sister flew from Texas and simply sat with her. Judy’s business partner, Greta, stepped into running the business when Judy could not. Their team kept things moving so she had space to take time away from work.

Her family also watched her closely during those first weeks. Someone often slept beside Judy because they worried about her wellbeing. Judy had not experienced suicidal thoughts herself, but she understood why they were afraid. Everyone around her was trying to respond to something they had never faced.

The experience also changed how Judy noticed absence. She remembers who reached out after Jeremiah died and who did not. Years later, those memories can still surface when someone contacts her. For Judy, losing Jeremiah reshaped some of her relationships with the people who remained.

The Fog of Early Grief

Judy remembers the first stretch after Jeremiah’s death as a blur. Even decisions that normally would have felt simple became overwhelming. She usually knows what she wants and can move quickly toward it. Grief took away that sense of certainty.

Jeremiah’s celebration of life was one example. Judy did not speak during it, and part of her did not want the event at all. Holding it made his death feel more permanent. It forced her to acknowledge that he was not coming home.

She wanted to get through those early rituals quickly. There was no sense that completing them would make anything easier. They simply belonged to a reality she did not want. Judy was moving through the motions while still trying to understand what had happened.

When we asked what helped during that period, Judy did not describe a perfect phrase. She remembered presence more than words. People sitting beside her often mattered most. Their willingness to stay close carried more weight than knowing what to say.

Becoming Older than Jeremiah

Jeremiah died at 38, which made Judy’s 39th birthday feel different from any birthday before it. She had reached an age her husband never got to experience. That milestone carried grief, but it also marked another year Judy had lived without him. She had been learning that life from the day he died.

In some ways, Judy believes her grieving began before his death. Jeremiah had lived with severe pain for roughly two years. Their daily life had already changed because of his condition. She had already begun losing parts of the future they expected to share.

That history affects how she thinks about timelines now. Someone might hear that Jeremiah died two and a half years ago and describe the loss as fresh. Judy understands that perspective, but her own timeline feels more complicated. Her grief includes the years before his death as well as everything after it.

Turning 39 brought that complexity into focus. Judy had moved beyond the age Jeremiah reached, but she had not moved beyond him. She was still carrying their history while stepping into years he would never see. Slowly, she also started considering what those years might hold for her.

Imagining Love Again

Before Jeremiah died, he and Judy had talked about what her future might look like without him. He told her that he wanted her to have another relationship if she wanted one. His family has also supported that possibility. Their support made space for Judy to consider love without feeling she was betraying her marriage.

For Judy, dating again does not mean leaving Jeremiah behind. Her marriage is actually part of why she can imagine loving someone else. Before Jeremiah, she had not even wanted to get married. Being with him taught her how much she valued sharing a life with someone.

She loved giving love and receiving it. That experience changed what she wanted from her future. As Judy put it, “Jeremiah was my first love, but I’m going to have a last love.” She can believe that while still loving the person she lost.

That does not mean Judy is trying to rush toward another serious relationship. Right now, she wants to date rather than find a boyfriend. She wants to meet people and understand herself in this new part of life. After nearly two decades with one person, even that feels like unfamiliar territory.

Dating After Almost Two Decades

Judy started dating again this year, shortly before turning 39. Her first in-person date happened on her birthday. She had already been talking with the man and happened to visit his area. The experience felt far removed from college dating in 2006.

Back then, Judy and Jeremiah were broke students eating at Steak ‘n Shake. This time, an Uber Black arrived before dinner at Restoration Hardware. Judy found herself amused by how different adult dating could feel. She also realized how much she had to learn.

After nearly two decades with one person, Judy had never experienced modern dating culture. She began listening to podcasts and watching videos about flirting. She paid attention to advice about eye contact and smiling. Then she started experimenting with approaching people herself.

During a work trip to Florida, she noticed a man at the gym. They had already exchanged glances across the room. Judy eventually walked over and asked whether she had seen him at an event. He had not attended, but the question gave them a reason to talk.

They exchanged Instagram accounts and went on a date that night. Judy had done something that once felt completely foreign. The moment became part of a larger process of learning how dating worked now. She was not trying to master romance overnight, but she enjoyed figuring it out.

Finding Humor Inside a Life That Still Includes Grief

Our conversation became noticeably lighter when Judy started talking about dating. She laughed about flirting at the gym and forgetting to ask basic questions. Her sister sometimes asks for details afterward that Judy never thought to learn. Judy has realized she may need to become more curious about the men sitting across from her.

That humor did not feel disconnected from everything she had shared about Jeremiah. It felt like another part of the same life. Judy can carry enormous grief and still find herself laughing about a bad flirting strategy. One experience does not negate the other.

She also talked about a dinner with friends where someone worried they were being too particular. Judy’s response was essentially that, yes, she was that bougie. The table eventually ordered every dessert. It was a small story, but it said something about the life returning around her grief.

Dating has brought that same sense of playfulness. Judy is not treating every date as the beginning of another marriage. She has been open about not wanting exclusivity right now. For the moment, she wants the freedom to meet people and enjoy the experience.

Making Space for More Than One Love

Judy knows that anyone she eventually loves will also encounter Jeremiah’s place in her life. She plans to keep talking about him. He shaped almost half of her life and much of the person she became. A future relationship cannot change that history.

What has shifted is Judy’s belief that those loves do not need to compete. Remembering Jeremiah does not have to close the door on someone new. Loving someone new would not erase the marriage she had. She has started imagining enough emotional space for both.

That idea became especially clear when we talked about why Judy wants love again. Jeremiah’s love did not make her afraid of partnership. It showed her how meaningful one could be. The life they shared helped create her desire to experience that kind of connection again.

For Judy, that possibility feels less like moving on and more like continuing forward. Jeremiah remains part of the story. So does the woman Judy is still becoming. She does not need to choose between those truths.

When the Memories Started Coming Back

Near the end of our conversation, Judy shared one fear that followed Jeremiah’s death. She worried that she would forget him. They met before people documented every ordinary moment on their phones. She did not have endless videos of Jeremiah to replay.

The fog of grief made that fear worse. Judy sometimes struggled to reach memories she knew were somewhere inside her. She worried she would forget Jeremiah’s smile or lose the sound of his laugh. After 17 and a half years together, that possibility terrified her.

Over time, something began to change. Memories started returning without Judy forcing them. She described them almost like scenes from a movie playing in her mind. Moments that once felt inaccessible slowly became available again. “When you’re ready to remember, you’ll remember again,” Judy said.

That idea stayed with us because it captured so much of her story. Judy is not describing a life where grief ends before something new begins. Jeremiah remains part of who she is, even as her life keeps expanding around the loss.

She is now older than Jeremiah ever got to be. She runs her business, travels, dates, laughs with friends, and sometimes approaches men at the gym. None of that means the grief disappeared. It means her life has grown large enough to hold more than one thing at once.

For Judy, losing a spouse to suicide changed everything about the life she expected to have. It did not erase the love that came before or the possibility of love ahead. She is still remembering Jeremiah while discovering who she is without him beside her. Both parts of that story continue to unfold.

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